They say 3rd time's a charm!

my first trainer was a fraud.
my second trainer is heavily pregnant and just got into labor today ( Goodluck Mamabear!)
and my third trainer... /nosebleed

He is SO HOT AMG. well, not drop dead hot, but the type of guy I like. Clean-cut, strong, taller than me, glasses ( OOH BONUS ) and kind. He doesnt have that Im A Trainer And Therefore I'm Such A Sex Machine air about him. I was totally fooled by his kind and sweet demeanor. He was totally BADASS. DUDE, I had to do leg-presses with 100kgs on the bar and squats with 60kgs on the bar! My ass feels like overbaked buns and my legs... well I feel like t-rex.

Since it was our first session together, the usual pleasantries took place. He asked me about my fitness history, what I like doing, what I'm studying yada yada. I was shocked to find out that he was 110kgs before! I was like " ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'RE SO HOT NOW, EH I MEAN YOU LOOK SO WELL". His arms..yeah..shzahazhahshazsza.

While working out he was impressed with my capabilities, mentioning that most girls cant do what I did. OH SWOON. ( eleh padahal I killed myself trying to prove I'm not a baby, mentalling screaming in the process ) . When he asked me about my eating habits I told him I rarely eat tonnes of junk, and I'm not the pig-out type. Oh and there isnt much food in the fridge lately ( maid aku ni ish ). He laughed and said I should go grocery shopping. APA LAGI LETAK UMPAN BEB. "oh, come with me! then you can tell me what to get since I have no idea". AHAH SUCH A LIE IM LIKE MASTER OF COLDSTORAGE. Then I did the whole " oh but you're so busy with your hectic schedule " and he quickly replied " Im sure I can slot a time for you". SWOON SWOON DIE MARRY ME SWOON.

I love the fact that he was an overweight IT geek before, ( slaving away in front of the pc. ALA MY POOR BABY BUBU ) because I know he knows how it feels to be fat and knows exactly what Im aiming for and its not just "sigh another fat client, why are they all fat they should all be fit like me"-vibe that I get from a lot of other trainers.

"what subjects are you taking"
"physics math bio and chemistry. but I hate math"
"I hate math too"
"really? YEAH MATH SUCKS"
"wow, you're the first person who didnt say 'eh arent all chinese supposed to be math robots?"
"did you go to chinese school?"
"no"
"ahahah, see?"

and then he didnt the cutest /sadface and I started thinking if our master bedroom should be in cream or vanilla BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER TELL THOSE TWO COLOURS APART.


what left me in girly pieces was his last words before I dragged my sore butt and legs to the dressing room to go home,

"you're the most interesting 19 year old I know"


my heart, gone.

I don't know why I'm still bitter with my sister ( the one who got married in 2 seconds and left for The Middle Of Nowhere ). Maybe its the fact that she's not acting like a sister anymore. Not since she went 180 and became a darn priestess. We're never inside her loop anymore, she doesn't confide in us, and is closer with her religious friends than she is with her own blood. Which is perfectly understandable at first, since we weren't the most accepting bunch towards her change. But after the initial shock, we just wanted to understand her more and what she was going through, but then she decided to block us off completely. Disappearing for days staying with her friends, up late nights, covering her face when we went out and to top it all off got married and left.

She hasn't called me since she left.
Oh and instead of telling her family that she's pregnant, like with a phone call or the sort, she decides to play all coy on facebook announcing to the world that her ovaries still work.

When I saw my brother walk out the car, I burst into tears. Suddenly the camera men zooming on my face didnt matter anymore. I was so shocked, amazed and proud of brother. He looked like a completely different person! I almost didnt know how to react when he was in front of me and for a nanosecond it actually felt awkward.



but yeah. I cried on national tv.


twice.


T____T

I feel like baking something and visiting you eventhough you're out of sterilized bedsheets and pillows. You made me laugh till my sides ached and despite me being the totally opposite of what your ex was, I knew you found solace in our relaxed conversations. But there's this thing called space and time ,and like every other soul I know, we drifted apart.

I missed hot flow yoga gah gah gah! I haven't mastered yoga yet, God knows how I look like splatted cicak during the chaturanga pose. That said, the idea of burning calories twice as much than regular yoga when done in a steam room-heated studio is a PLUS! Only because I am lazy and am one to think that I even lose weight when I perspire, when it really is just sick Malaysian heat.

Dad agreed to extend my sessions with my personal trainer ( can I hear a YAY YAY YAY ). Took much convincing ( and maybe tears oh aku drama sial ), but it'll all be worth it, insyaAllah. Having Crystal and her looming babybump while she tortures me with dumbbells and workout machinery makes me feel a lot more comfortable about the Mount Tahan trek ( aka toughest trek in south east Asia AMG ). Plus having fit athletic teammates like Yew Eng is another incentive as to why my ass needs to be kicked into kim kardashian's shape.

Its still really quiet around, but I'm busy ovulating hence my hormones are in check ; no waking up in the middle of the night crying and sleeping next to the TV with Patches licking my chocolate stained fingers.

My sister is busy being extremely pregnant, practically on the verge of labour and the other boleyn mokhtar sister is happily covered in her niqab in Yemen, teasing the cousins with news that there might be something in her abdomen other than her icky intestines. OH LORD HELP US.

My brother is still on the show, apparently having lost nearly 40kgs now. My sister in law ( and the other female contestants ),much to my pure, naive untainted mind claims that he is HOT now. WUT HE'S GONNA BE SMALLER THAN ME? HOMG.



ps ; my brother in law's brother is so annoying its not funny. Yes boy, I know you are rich, and yes friends of boy you are all so fabulously rich too and outspoken/friendly/confident yada yada. But I've passed my pretentious stage if I ever had one, and I'm really touched if you think its cool hanging out with a hippy creep who sleeps with chocolate stained fingers, but you guys make me nervous. Just because I'm half Irish it doesn't make me cool or fabulously open minded to the point where I'm supposed to just agree with your mindless chitchat. so yeah, go away.

Its funny how I keep myself composed right until its that time of the month where my hormones run amok through my system leaving me emotially weakened in its wake. As if feeling bloated and puffed up wasnt enough, I feel incredibly low and pathetic. I can almost count the amount of words that pass my mouth in those days. I hardly say anything, and do anything except stare aimlessly at the ceiling and cry for no apparent reason. I hate admitting that I'm lonely because its not like loneliness is at fault for finding me and deciding to be part of my shadow, rather I looked for it, and opted to be acquanted with it. It's probably going get worse because loneliness is like a weird drug. There's a high from knowing you're fine being solitary until there comes a point where you know nothing but.

I wish I was dead sometimes. so my parents wont have to worry about what I'm going to do with my life or them having to look after me until I'm married off and shipped somewhere they can never reach, or having to put up with my disgraceful shenanigans. they would no longer have to be embarrassed by being asked the question " what is your daughter doing now?". My brother can get my camera and my sister can have all my bags, bracelets and make up ( I cant say clothes because my clothes arent that nice ). I'd make prints of my favourite photographs and sell them, every single sent to charity. I'd donate any organs needed and even my ( lacklustre, omgaswh) hair.

I'm not being emotional, I just always feel shattered when my dad reminds me of how much of a burden I am to him, and how all of us siblings are somewhat failures. None of us earn 10k a month, we dont have the nice cars , we dont score the earth-shattering grades. If me not being around would make my parents' life easier, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I probably wouldnt have raced so hard to reach that bloody ovum if I knew my existence was nothing but an accident that's become an annoying splinter burried deep in my parents' skin.