They say 3rd time's a charm!

my first trainer was a fraud.
my second trainer is heavily pregnant and just got into labor today ( Goodluck Mamabear!)
and my third trainer... /nosebleed

He is SO HOT AMG. well, not drop dead hot, but the type of guy I like. Clean-cut, strong, taller than me, glasses ( OOH BONUS ) and kind. He doesnt have that Im A Trainer And Therefore I'm Such A Sex Machine air about him. I was totally fooled by his kind and sweet demeanor. He was totally BADASS. DUDE, I had to do leg-presses with 100kgs on the bar and squats with 60kgs on the bar! My ass feels like overbaked buns and my legs... well I feel like t-rex.

Since it was our first session together, the usual pleasantries took place. He asked me about my fitness history, what I like doing, what I'm studying yada yada. I was shocked to find out that he was 110kgs before! I was like " ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'RE SO HOT NOW, EH I MEAN YOU LOOK SO WELL". His arms..yeah..shzahazhahshazsza.

While working out he was impressed with my capabilities, mentioning that most girls cant do what I did. OH SWOON. ( eleh padahal I killed myself trying to prove I'm not a baby, mentalling screaming in the process ) . When he asked me about my eating habits I told him I rarely eat tonnes of junk, and I'm not the pig-out type. Oh and there isnt much food in the fridge lately ( maid aku ni ish ). He laughed and said I should go grocery shopping. APA LAGI LETAK UMPAN BEB. "oh, come with me! then you can tell me what to get since I have no idea". AHAH SUCH A LIE IM LIKE MASTER OF COLDSTORAGE. Then I did the whole " oh but you're so busy with your hectic schedule " and he quickly replied " Im sure I can slot a time for you". SWOON SWOON DIE MARRY ME SWOON.

I love the fact that he was an overweight IT geek before, ( slaving away in front of the pc. ALA MY POOR BABY BUBU ) because I know he knows how it feels to be fat and knows exactly what Im aiming for and its not just "sigh another fat client, why are they all fat they should all be fit like me"-vibe that I get from a lot of other trainers.

"what subjects are you taking"
"physics math bio and chemistry. but I hate math"
"I hate math too"
"really? YEAH MATH SUCKS"
"wow, you're the first person who didnt say 'eh arent all chinese supposed to be math robots?"
"did you go to chinese school?"
"no"
"ahahah, see?"

and then he didnt the cutest /sadface and I started thinking if our master bedroom should be in cream or vanilla BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER TELL THOSE TWO COLOURS APART.


what left me in girly pieces was his last words before I dragged my sore butt and legs to the dressing room to go home,

"you're the most interesting 19 year old I know"


my heart, gone.

I don't know why I'm still bitter with my sister ( the one who got married in 2 seconds and left for The Middle Of Nowhere ). Maybe its the fact that she's not acting like a sister anymore. Not since she went 180 and became a darn priestess. We're never inside her loop anymore, she doesn't confide in us, and is closer with her religious friends than she is with her own blood. Which is perfectly understandable at first, since we weren't the most accepting bunch towards her change. But after the initial shock, we just wanted to understand her more and what she was going through, but then she decided to block us off completely. Disappearing for days staying with her friends, up late nights, covering her face when we went out and to top it all off got married and left.

She hasn't called me since she left.
Oh and instead of telling her family that she's pregnant, like with a phone call or the sort, she decides to play all coy on facebook announcing to the world that her ovaries still work.

When I saw my brother walk out the car, I burst into tears. Suddenly the camera men zooming on my face didnt matter anymore. I was so shocked, amazed and proud of brother. He looked like a completely different person! I almost didnt know how to react when he was in front of me and for a nanosecond it actually felt awkward.



but yeah. I cried on national tv.


twice.


T____T

I feel like baking something and visiting you eventhough you're out of sterilized bedsheets and pillows. You made me laugh till my sides ached and despite me being the totally opposite of what your ex was, I knew you found solace in our relaxed conversations. But there's this thing called space and time ,and like every other soul I know, we drifted apart.

I missed hot flow yoga gah gah gah! I haven't mastered yoga yet, God knows how I look like splatted cicak during the chaturanga pose. That said, the idea of burning calories twice as much than regular yoga when done in a steam room-heated studio is a PLUS! Only because I am lazy and am one to think that I even lose weight when I perspire, when it really is just sick Malaysian heat.

Dad agreed to extend my sessions with my personal trainer ( can I hear a YAY YAY YAY ). Took much convincing ( and maybe tears oh aku drama sial ), but it'll all be worth it, insyaAllah. Having Crystal and her looming babybump while she tortures me with dumbbells and workout machinery makes me feel a lot more comfortable about the Mount Tahan trek ( aka toughest trek in south east Asia AMG ). Plus having fit athletic teammates like Yew Eng is another incentive as to why my ass needs to be kicked into kim kardashian's shape.

Its still really quiet around, but I'm busy ovulating hence my hormones are in check ; no waking up in the middle of the night crying and sleeping next to the TV with Patches licking my chocolate stained fingers.

My sister is busy being extremely pregnant, practically on the verge of labour and the other boleyn mokhtar sister is happily covered in her niqab in Yemen, teasing the cousins with news that there might be something in her abdomen other than her icky intestines. OH LORD HELP US.

My brother is still on the show, apparently having lost nearly 40kgs now. My sister in law ( and the other female contestants ),much to my pure, naive untainted mind claims that he is HOT now. WUT HE'S GONNA BE SMALLER THAN ME? HOMG.



ps ; my brother in law's brother is so annoying its not funny. Yes boy, I know you are rich, and yes friends of boy you are all so fabulously rich too and outspoken/friendly/confident yada yada. But I've passed my pretentious stage if I ever had one, and I'm really touched if you think its cool hanging out with a hippy creep who sleeps with chocolate stained fingers, but you guys make me nervous. Just because I'm half Irish it doesn't make me cool or fabulously open minded to the point where I'm supposed to just agree with your mindless chitchat. so yeah, go away.

Its funny how I keep myself composed right until its that time of the month where my hormones run amok through my system leaving me emotially weakened in its wake. As if feeling bloated and puffed up wasnt enough, I feel incredibly low and pathetic. I can almost count the amount of words that pass my mouth in those days. I hardly say anything, and do anything except stare aimlessly at the ceiling and cry for no apparent reason. I hate admitting that I'm lonely because its not like loneliness is at fault for finding me and deciding to be part of my shadow, rather I looked for it, and opted to be acquanted with it. It's probably going get worse because loneliness is like a weird drug. There's a high from knowing you're fine being solitary until there comes a point where you know nothing but.

I wish I was dead sometimes. so my parents wont have to worry about what I'm going to do with my life or them having to look after me until I'm married off and shipped somewhere they can never reach, or having to put up with my disgraceful shenanigans. they would no longer have to be embarrassed by being asked the question " what is your daughter doing now?". My brother can get my camera and my sister can have all my bags, bracelets and make up ( I cant say clothes because my clothes arent that nice ). I'd make prints of my favourite photographs and sell them, every single sent to charity. I'd donate any organs needed and even my ( lacklustre, omgaswh) hair.

I'm not being emotional, I just always feel shattered when my dad reminds me of how much of a burden I am to him, and how all of us siblings are somewhat failures. None of us earn 10k a month, we dont have the nice cars , we dont score the earth-shattering grades. If me not being around would make my parents' life easier, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I probably wouldnt have raced so hard to reach that bloody ovum if I knew my existence was nothing but an accident that's become an annoying splinter burried deep in my parents' skin.

It annoys me that I'm so restless to the point where I've submitted to zodiac labels. Pisces, the dreamer. I dream too much. I care too much ( and dream ) about future rather than focusing on the present, which doesnt make sense since what I do in the present will determine a particular outcome, my future.

super ravishing flickr guy :What a beautiful self-portrait, Sofiyah! I love it.
You look like a female version of Mogli. :)

my reply : haha that has to be the weirdest (albeit cutest) compliment ( if it is one lol ) I've ever got! ^^

his reply : Of course it was a compliment, Sofiyah! :)
It's hard for me to explain it in english, but I think it has something to do with the pureness of your look. At the same time there is a kind of contrast, because you look wild and fragile.
Since there are so many photos of you in the jungle, Mogli just came to my mind.Probably I said nothing with sense, but at least I tried! haha

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I find it strange how perfect strangers can read and point out something about you that you wouldn't notice yourself. Its like when people always point out my little mole above my lip. Its so much a part of my face like my eyes and nose that I dont even notice it anymore, until someone reminds me of its existence; " oh you have that lucky mole thing/ taik lalat manis" ( taik lalat sounds so much more patronizing )

"but I think it has something to do with the pureness of your look. At the same time there is a kind of contrast, because you look wild and fragile."


What he said struck a chord in me as something so simple and true. Despite my openness, friendliness, and social outburts, I'm actually a very private and reserved person. I dont randomly give my life stories, even to people Im close with. Despite the fact that I adore everything outdoor-related, I rather stay at home, or take a stroll or jog in the park than hang out in social hotspots and mingle. And despite the fact that I've been living away from my family for almost a year now, and insisting Im independant enough to travel and get things done by my own, I really wish I lived with my parents. I really wished I was closer with my siblings, especially when those bouts of rindu hit me in full force. Despite my fearless attitude, I suck at confrontations, rather sitting back and pretend nothing happened than starting a commotion. I'm a contradiction to my own self. There's these two different people, Sophie and Sofiyah. Sophie the photographer, outdoor crazy, funny, crazy girl and Sofiyah, the daddy's girl, alone in the house with a book, giving hugs to her friends , squeezing her cat , watching tv while nibbling on dark chocolate. Sophie who overspends and Sofiyah who panics over it.


whoa.

My birthday month will be a crazy one! No no, I dont mean partying, boozing and stuffing myself with cake, although the cake part may be subject to change. Tan has flooded me with Penan related emails and I've decided to join him for the CNY trip, February 11th! I cant wait! It'll be a 10 day trip to Batu Lawi with numerous other volunteers, and a Penan advocate himself who has met Bruno Manser, journalist James Ritchie. Almost all the Penans know James Ritchie, from him interviewing Bruno and his Penan gang, and got everyone elses attention with his books and posts in the local paper.

I'm a real arse thinking that money will just drop out of the sky and miraculously pay for all these trips. I cant help it, I keep saying yes and choose to suffer in part 2.


I hope I dont die from exhaustion or anything since I'll be doing the Mount Tahan 110km trek from the 1st till the 8th of February. I'll need time to recover, badly, so hopefully this Batu Lawi trek wont be a strenuous one.



ps; our first stop is Long Adang. the very first village I visited!

man, this sucks. I am photographically dead, no new pictures, nothing exciting.

I was at the gym for 4 hours today. I did bodypump, had my personal training session, did tough-ass Dynamic Flow yoga and bodyjam.


my body is going to fucking hate me tomorrow and I know it.

my nieces are too cute gah gah!

tomorrow is the day of my sister's lunch/reception gig at her husbands' parents' house. It's taking a while to get used to calling Nazri that, her husband.

Humming to myself in the backseat of Nazri's sister's Myvi, I noticed the little signs of affection between my sister and him. I was taken aback, and to my surprise had negligible jealousy. The way he looked at her, the way their hands found each other so naturally. I cant bring myself to soak in this whole 'quickie meeting and now married' situation yet little bubbles of happiness surfaced. She found someone I'm confident I never will.

Its inevitable that humans just crave acceptance, affection and ick, love. Down to the very antigens in our bone marrow we outsource it. We risk everything for it, throw ourselves into dark pits of sorrow, tangle ourselves in infinite dilemmas and scar willingly.


I am only 19 yet, I fear this disguised affinity. I've seen how people treat one another disgracefully. How people shun others out, use and abuse, take advantage of, charm the legs off you and discharge you like an object drained of its novelty. I guess I'm just too jaded for this love thing. Maybe its the fact that I'm a romantic idealist. One who wants the joys and the little bubbles of happiness but a coward when it comes to facing the music. Facing the downside of love and its perimeters. I want the honeymoon phases to last, I want to plunge into it and not worry about being hurt. I want to Rollerblade down that steep hill without any knee pads and elbow pads ,unscathed. Foolish, and unrealistic.

I remember when my best friend fell in love with the guy I was in love with ( who was my best friend too ) and got together with him. Jaysus the feeling of your insides crushing inwards leaving you emotionally crippled. When I had to fake being okay all the time when I was with them. When both of them slowly and steadily began to hang out with me less and less spending more and more time with each other. When we did hang out as a trio ,I had to pretend I was okay with their PDA moments. It sickened me how I let myself fall into such messy circumstances.


Sure I have fabricated a person who would probably accept my crazy bracelets,average height, frizzy hair, my weird wit, unlithesome and ungraceful body, my queer antics. At the end of the day that's what it remains. A figment of my imagination, morphing into unattainable volitions. I dont steal the show on the dancefloor, I probably cant WOW you with my cooking. Bitten fingernails, stubby fingers. I cant write poetry, I cant sing. My hands remain in my pockets, my gaze lowered. But I have a little chard of amber that continues to burn, glow ,and remain lit.


I can rock your world, but I'm the truth from which you run and Love is the truth from which I run.

I want what is best for my sister, always. As a sister I do want to see her happy, and yes, happiness is different for all of us. My definition of happiness is completely different from the next person, let alone my own sister. Whether its an A grade for that pesky exam paper, or the smell of a new book. Nonetheless, we cant quantify happiness nor think that it exists solely from one thing, or hoping that that one thing gives it exclusively. The same book that gave me that "happiness" from its crisp papers, could give me a paper cut. I could get 10As and it wont guarantee me a scholarship, making me feel worse than those who didn't even score in the first place.

My sister decided 2 days ago, that she was going marry someone she met in a span of a day, after having only 3 ( albeit long ) conversations with the guy. Someone who's dreams and goals are co linear with hers. Someone she's been looking for this whole time. Someone she's been staying up all night praying for. The man of her dreams. A pious, gentle , kind man ( which she has clearly labelled from the few conversations she's had with him ). They share similar life experiences ; being astray from the path of Iman and finally returning to it, born again Muslims.

I met with him yesterday, my gaze locked on his face, angry and hurt. I had no qualms about their decision to wed, but he is to leave for Yemen on Wednesday and wants to bring my sister along, married. In a span of 24 hours of knowing each other and deciding so, they're leaving. I am angry and hurt that he's taking her from us. Just.like.that.

He's met my parents, my grandparents, my eldest uncle and they've all given their stamp of approval. Except for my parents , who although approve still cant make heads of tails of the given situation.

"do you love her?", I asked.
he nodded, and I was left confused. Familiar with the situation of learning about someone then falling in love rather than the other way around.


It is hoggish of me to want my sister to stay in the country, keeping her from her own pursuit of happiness. I guess marriage seems to be the answer to her, her answer to happiness, to closure. Ticking that box that says "marriage" that seems to shadow everyone's back.

I do hope your happiness lasts, Medina.

you know how sometimes you find yourself witnessing a beautiful scene? Act of simple gestures, kind smiles and love. How you see everything a little too clearly, including dust particles floating mid air and shadows. There's that bonus too, when light seems to be on your side. How it falls so divinely over everything it touches, seamlessly melting into every nook and cranny, every crease and fold.







I was organizing my sleeping space, tired from the day's events. It was late afternoon and warm, my wet hair from the river laps before hand cooled me off a little. I was writing in my moleskine, doodling when Lep's son took it from me and studied it. He was fascinated at the rows of my tiny scrawls ( 0.35 pen! )across pages and pages in this journal I kept strictly for my wanderings.

Muli came and sat next to me, smiling. There's a language barrier between us, even though we've known each other longer than I've known any other Penan. I met her when she was still fairly a newlywed to Lep. Selai ( Lep's dad ) and his family can speak bahasa pretty well, but Muli couldn't. She did however understand whenever we spoke basic bahasa to her and her hands would gesture her answers. She's better at it now, knowing a few words and understanding full bahasa sentences. My command of the Penan language improved as well, and somehow she chose only to speak to me in that language. Whenever I didn't understand, she would explain its meaning, pointing to an object or ask Lep, her husband, to translate. I loved every bit of it because in some sense, I felt like she accepted me and gone was that barrier that kept us from learning more about each other. She was always amused with my pronunciations and wrong sentence structuring and I was always amazed at her strength and grace.

Anyway, as I was combing her hair I noticed a little scene unfold in front of me. John and his daughters were sitting at the end of the wooden house,covered in the remnants of afternoon light. Muli's brother handed them a photo album we brought with pictures of our previous trip. Lep handed them coffee sachets and cups of hot water.

I quickly took my camera out.

My glutes and my thighs are sore from yesterday's yoga class. For starters, I have been on hiatus from the gym+yoga+yadayada for a few months now. I boldly decided to join the Dynamic Flow class, which is a more challenging class of yoga. 5 minutes into the class I knew instantly my ego should've been checked. It was tough, everyone else doing the poses and sun-salutations effortlessly while I clumsily and ungracefully moved from pose to pose. Even the instructor eyed the alignment of my poses mockingly. I was itching to leave the class, but I was right in front and again my ego was rock solid reminding me to finish what I ignorantly started.


I regret not keeping up with my fitness fiercely as I did before. After coming back from Sarawak, came my exams. It was then an eating fest of shamrocks, rhubarb pies, and faux guinness on my holiday in Ireland. Before I knew it it was a new semester in college,more homework. Ramadhan and Raya followed soon after. I was healthy, strong and fit early in the year and now I just feel like a big blob. Ive been running again and boy does everything feel 100x tougher. The yoga class noxiously reminded me of how un-flexible I have become from not attending the classes on a regular basis. I was so beat, and sad that I let this happen. I let myself slip away.

But nothing could beat that feeling of stepping out of the class, glowing. I could feel my strength being unlocked with the numerous chakuranga or whathaveyou during the class. Nothing beats the feeling of running at 10kms an hour , your abs clenching , hair matted to your forehead. I asked the yoga instructor how many classes I had to attend weekly to get my flexibility back after being away from it for so long, mentioning that I was such a klutz when everyone else looked completely at ease.

"yoga is not about comparing. Its about how you feel when you do the poses. How you feel your inhalations and exhalations. how you feel blood rush through your body. Everyone has different strengths and flexibilities. As long as you felt good leaving that class, then thats all that matters. You're glowing now! It means you did your body good"

I wanted to cry. Then marry him. then slap him for staring at my rolls during class.



I've hired a trainer. A "platinum" one, that will almost too delightfully kick my ass into shape while I exercise in mock horror. It is going to cost me A HELLUVA LOT. But I need professional guidance for my trip to Mount Tahan since target areas need to be worked on, like core-strengthening and lower body conditioning. I will have to starve in college for the next 2 months . Movies are a no-go and just don't mention to me about coffee sessions or shopping! :(

But it'll all be worth it. Nothing comes easy anyway.


ps : I'll have to make sure I secure assignments with ItudioStudio, plus I'm thinking of selling prints.

I AM GOING TO BE A GEOLOGICAL ENGINEER.

I'm thinking of doing something big before I hit 20 next February. Aside from planning to shed 10 to 15kg, I'm going to attempt a mountaineering expedition. Specifically, Gunung Tahan! Simply because it's the toughest mountain trail in the country ( yes! more so than Mount Kinalablu even though Kinabalu is twice the height! ) . Hopefully I'll be able to do it in January, after my exams are over. I'll be doing the Kuala Tahan to Summit Tahan to Kuala Tahan (7days6nights -RM750 per pax).

Training isn't a question as every website hauntingly reminds that even a person of average fitness is not encouraged to attempt the hike.

hooohho challenge!

nak join?

On the way to Shamine's place, Amin told me how he and his classmates had a lunch/karaoke session the other day. Is it me or is everyone else's classmates are much closer with each other compared to my own? My classmates never hang out together. Even if we do, it takes hours of planning and much disagreement. None of us ever go somewhere together spontaneously, heck even lunching as a class is rare unless its a birthday or something. Every class is made of a mixture of smart , average, and not so smart students. Its perfectly normal right? Not in my class. The "smart" doesn't seem to want to hang out with the rest. My class has the least amount of students compared to the rest, yet we're all the least close to each other. Other classes or intakes have class trips and outings. Mine doesn't. It cant be because we're pure science students, "having no time for fun because we're all too busy studying", because other pure science students from other intakes werent so biased with each other like how we are.



2 years and I'm stuck with selfish, shallow and extremely peckish people.

DAMN YOU MENSTRUAL ACNE.

my hair has mutated into strands of icky greasy licks. These days they tend to stay frizzy making me look like I've been permanently struck by lightning.

My parents have left, they called to say their goodbyes ,on their way to the airport. I dont understand how my parents can be all mushy on skype but as soon as their feet are firmly on Malaysian soil, they dont even call, let alone drive over to see me. Instead leaving me a packet, thick with bills, with a note on the envelope saying " Sofiyah : To last"

As soon as my physics lecturer walked into our class, questions were thrown at him on how the competition went. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was going to give us all a little "ampau" for Raya if he won, we genuinely hoped he would win after the hard work he put into it. He said his team did okay. It didn't sound like he won the first prize, but maybe a consolation one. Few seconds after, he asked me to follow him out of the classroom. Without reason I was panicky and started thinking the worst. In the corridor he handed me 36 RM1 notes and packets of "ampau".

"sophie this is the small ampau I promised your class. its nothing much, everyone's getting 2 ringgit each" , smiling nervously.
"oh okay, I'll pack them now at the common area", my heat rate back to normal.


Once I was done peeped through the classroom door and signalled. He came out and I asked if he wanted to distribute the ampaus. He left me to do it.

"oh wait, before you go.." , fumbling with his pockets
"yes, sir?"
"haa you get extra"
"haha sir? seriously? why?~" , flustering.
"you're special. Good class rep, always helping me. Gave me Raya cookies", he laughed.
"gosh, thank you sir", I gushed. malu sial.
"don't tell your classmates you got more than them , if not I'll get it", he laughed.
"Oh I wont sir, don't worry"

I got 12 bucks. woooot! okay not much. tapi better than 2 bucks! bwahah

my head feels hot from a pulsing headache. I hate crying, as it makes it worse.

But, I could really feel the extra kilos ive put on, today's subjects and topics were really tough, my biology lecturer made me look stupid in front of my whole class at my question, I had a 40 min argument with my classmate about money vs happiness and lost ; shaking the core of my belief, mindfucking my head ( brain? ) , and to top it all off, my siblings are with my parents ( & omera ) and I'm home alone ( again ). Ive seen my parents 3 ,4 times since they came back and they're leaving Friday morning. My parents are way over in Shah Alam, catching a cab would not only be expensive but the thought of being in a cab that long with a stranger at traffic hour? no. OH AND I DIDNT SEE MY BROTHER BEFORE HE WENT FOR THE SHOW. NOW I WONT SEE OR HEAR FROM HIM IN 3 FUCKING MONTHS.


It feels like I fell to the ground and I'm being trampled upon. Over and over and over.

Had a healthy breakfast, healthy lunch and a healthy snack late afternoon. I swear to God that Justea drink was begging to be taken from the moment I stepped into the kitchen. I took it out of the fridge, condensation leftovers cooling my skin. I read the Nutrition Facts on the can .. 132 calories. JEEZ in a small fecky tin. I put it back, decide to make tea, and sat in front of the tv.


2 minutes later , it was in my hands,its calorie-laden ,chilled liquid voyaging down my throat ,unconsciously engulfing me in delectable bliss.

I'll regret tomorrow.

My heart sank when I saw my handphone screen blink Tan's name and vibrate dangerously. 7pm and I knew he was expecting me to be at the airport with him, bursting of excitement at the thought of our next adventure. I hesitated, my mum noticed and asked. I told her my little secret and she just frowned. I knew this was avoidable, breaking this news to Tan at the 11th hour. It was disrespectful of me, I was aware of that. Amongst all that agreed to go, I was probably the most enthusiastic about the whole thing. We both shared our fondness and dire need to go back into the forest ,finding solace with the Penans. Telling him I was pulling out would just shock him. The thought of Tan being disappointed in me wrapped me up in this bubble of fear.

I told him anyway, and what I feared the most is exactly what happened. Soon after our conversation ended, my phone died. He mentioned he left his new camera behind because he knew I was coming. I was stricken with guilt.


When I switched on my phone a 2 hours later I received his message to collect his camera from his home in PJ and bring it to the airport. Ludicrous, I thought. Yet I understood where he was coming from. This was all my fault. Nonetheless, by the time I got his message it was too late and he was well on his way to Sarawak already. Second pang of guilt.


He should be back in KL now, with Justin and the rest. After my last minute pull-out I hardly think I even deserve to see any photos taken by the group or thrill myself with their fables of trekking for the week.

I find it alarming how I blow off hundreds in one day on shopping.

loot comprises :

perfume
books
nat geo magazine
stationery
pencil case
cue card
note rings
bracelets
aromatherapy oil

gah.

Sometimes, when I cant sleep and my fingers are curled around the edges of my blanket, I think about purposeless things.

For example how I have no idea where 90% of the people I knew in high-school are. What they're currently doing , if they're actually still alive. I haven't talked to most of them, heck all of them except for maybe 5 people , in 2 years. I haven't seen ANY of them for 2 years. Since that fateful day when we were excited, sad, disappointed, and elated about that flimsy result slip in our hands. None of us said proper goodbyes simply because we'd knew we'd see each other again. Funny enough, once we all kick started our college/uni education, we never did.

I don't have a childhood friend that Im still in contact with, I didn't have a bestfriend that lasted my whole high-school years. I don't have a best friend from high school that's with me now. I do have best friends from college now, yes. Loosely using that term "best friend", I see them as the "best" of the circle of friends that I have rather than that term "best friend" whom I am constantly with, confide with, shop with, cry with.

I get jealous when people say they hang out with their high-school friends, their childhood friends when I always just hang out with books or my thoughts hanging in the air.

Slurping down Tau Fu Fa while im typing this out.


My dad called me this afternoon, in between my classes and mentioned I had 2 more free tickets to Dubai.

"why don't you come over for the weekend?"
"you mean, fly over on Friday, sleep for for a whole day due to jetlag and fly back the next day?"
"come on your next holiday then"
" I JUST ENDED A 3 WEEK BREAK, all I did was rot in the house"
"you should have told me"
" I did! mommy said no point me coming since I wont do anything there either"

cheh.

Anyway, I canceled my Penan trip. Despite my unhealthy cravings for it.

reasons ;-

a) It IS Raya. Missing two Rayas consecutively when my parents are actually back in the country to celebrate it is just, well, selfish.

b) I don't have days off from college for Raya, and I really dont want to miss class. I promised to work 150% this year and no absent days are inclusive of that pact.

c) My ticket wasn't a firm ticket anyway.

d) After contacting various scholarship bodies and finding out about scholarship admissions being at awkward times of the year, I'll have plenty of time ( almost a year off ) before I start my tertiary education. Ample time to travel , or possibly work during that study hiatus


It seems many of my friends, ex-high-school friends and random strangers ( at driving school / sister's sewing classmate's son ) are going overseas. Everyone seems to be going somewhere , or gone. Canada, US, Uk, Russia, New Zealand. Two of my exhighschool classmates have started their degree in Engineering and 2 others in Pharmacy. Many of my classmates are hopping on the Studying Abroad Bandwagon too. It's like a sign, a reminder of why I'm doing my A-levels and ultimately my goal and aspirations. Its annoying though knowing that Im entirely capable yet still not getting holier results.

I miss Ireland and its magic.

Rough week for a lot of people. Whether its me with my results, or my friends with boy problems. Frustrations, tears and maybe blood.


I drove the furthest I have ever driven today. To Hartamas, from the Curve and back. I guess my sister only allows me to drive in the wee hours of the night when there's barely any cars on the road. It felt good speeding a little on the highway without her asking me to pull over and kick me out of the car.

I am grateful for all the people who have had/has faith in me, who actually believe I'm destined for big things, or that I shall achieve my goals. Especially when personally everything is just bleak, foggy and distant for me to taste.

I am starting to miss my parents. A lot. Sigh, getting all teary just typing that out.



I cried a bucket during Subuh prayer. In fact , I havent slept yet since yesterday and its 7am already. I look positively panda with these puffy eyes. Just as the tears subsided, it began to rain. The steady pulse of raindrops gently rushing down my window was powerfully calming, rejuvinating. It was a beautiful closure to my gloom and peaceful start to a new dawn.

OMG, this is so cool. Cause I just like updated my facebook status, about (still) looking for photographers. And here, two days earlier you're mailing me, you've got some psychic power eh?

Okay, well I've seen your works. Love your works. So you're definitely on my A list. Will be setting up an interview sometime, just to know what you expect from us, and to tell you what we expect from you.

Hope we come to an agreement, it'll be great to have another female on board.

Can you please leave me your phone numbaaaah, so I can call up to set up a date?

Regards,
Anna

Mail from Sue Anna Joe after me enquiring about openings for photogs for her new studio :)


suhweet

I cant believe its Ramadhan already!

Ive always loved Ramadhan, maybe because my mam's a big fan too. We were never a big fan of Hari Raya. Somehow the the whole commotion of getting dressed ,insincere apologies, and labouring over cooking wasn't worth it.

I was talking to Ella the other day, ranting and pouring out my worries to her about my studies and what will become of it. She reminded me to pray, and ask what I wish for. It didn't occur to me, the gravity of what she said ,until the conversation ended and I was left rereading everything she wrote. I need to ask. If there's one person who can give me everything or anything in this world, its God. I keep thinking "as long as I remember him, I'm fine". But what better way to remember him than to face him, 5 times a day in solitude, cleansed, and conscious. After all, I am his hamba. His slave. He has given me a healthy life, a beautiful family a perfect ( using perfect very loosely here ) physique.

I felt sad and unworthy. Embarrassed to face God again in prayer, after my ignorance all this while. After thinking Him as this vast entity singularly instead of His vast power and how I am absolutely nothing , not even a spec compared his entire creation.


I promise to make this Ramadhan my best yet.

Memories came flooding back to me the minute my classmate mentioned something about the Penans. Almost instantly my hands started flailing wildly, my gestures feverish , my words coming out nonstophealmostdidntgetwhatIsaid. Trees, hiking boots, rain, ice cold crystal clear river pools, instant noodles, leeches and sleeping bags. I realized how much I miss Sarawak, its jungle and most importantly the people of the Penan tribe. My parents made it clear months ago that I wasn't going back again, especially not in September for the Long Lelang to Bario trip. Not only was it during Raya , but it would be my second Raya in the forest. My siblings would riot and have voodoo parties with voodoo dolls of me.

Somehow or rather, I decided to give it one last shot and I asked them again. To my utter disbelief they said yes.

Tan sent an email to everyone on the Penan-volunteer list;

Hi all,

It is nice to read again the reference to the Ba Tik bands of Nomadic Penan to the present ones like Along Sega, Sayap Magoh and Ba Puak and Ba Bareh.

Also finally today, we had our adopted Penan daughter of Along Sega joining us to this trip.

Welcome home to "Tong tana", SOFI.

Regards,
TBF

Sophie says:
ive been watching awesome wedding videos all day
aku cam, nak kahwin
hannah,hannahble :wants to wake up somewhere in genting,after one helluva night of fun. says:
ahhh
Sophie says:
and have tonnes of sex
pastu divorce
hannah,hannahble :wants to wake up somewhere in genting,after one helluva night of fun. says:
go snippetandink.blogspot.com
Sophie says:
and duduk dalam hutan
hannah,hannahble :wants to wake up somewhere in genting,after one helluva night of fun. says:
hahahahahha
i wouldnt want to be ur husband
Sophie says:
hahaha
hannah,hannahble :wants to wake up somewhere in genting,after one helluva night of fun. says:
wei me and sha are planning for a trip to pasar seni then petaling street to shop
nak ikut?
Sophie says:
I think matsalleh weddings are better than malay ones
bila bila
hannah,hannahble :wants to wake up somewhere in genting,after one helluva night of fun. says:
i knw
Sophie says:
nak, tapi takde duit
haha
hannah,hannahble :wants to wake up somewhere in genting,after one helluva night of fun. says:
come la i pun pokai kita haggle our asses off
Sophie says:
sebab I have to pay for this Penan trip by myself
hannah,hannahble :wants to wake up somewhere in genting,after one helluva night of fun. says:
ala tapi kau muka mat salleh nanti harga mahal
Sophie says:
babi

something about her collared shirt, roughly chopped bangs and expression reminds me of some photo of a chechnya war-child in an orphanage . y/y?

sometimes I feel like straight As is impossible.
make that most of the time.

but I have no other option.


no.other.option.

this worry is eating me up inside.
I need to stop worrying and crying, repeat.

It scares me how fast my nieces grow

Omera, then.


Imannisa, then.


them, now.

Publicity Director for HESC ( HELP Environmental Science Club ) and Social Awareness Director for CCFAP (Campus Carbon Footprint Auditing Project)? Hmm I like the sound of being a "director" of something, even if it means me stapling posters to boards, or hoarding students to "PICK THAT SHIT UP AND THROW IT IN THE BIN, CHRIST".

I have a Physics test tomorrow. And I am 40% prepared. Its so unfair! We never get enough time! As soon as we close off a chapter, Mr. Ling automatically goes " okay my honest, hardworking slaves, time to suffer my law or relativity wrath with a nice test on How You Are Going To Fail", leaving us scrambling with our notes, faces agog, tearing and grabbing at his leg asking him give us more time. Which of course, will always end with him shoving us off with his red fork.


I met up with my ex-editor, who finally passed me the magazine issue with my work in it and promised me she'll pay me in September making it 8 months over the due date of my crisp paycheck. maggots. The editor of Don't Panic was there, and said he'd like to feature me in their September issue. Is this some plan to keep me from turning into King Kong and rioting? gahness. He was looking for poets to feature, and I mentioned you Liy. Simply because I listened to your music roaming through Ireland's green fields feeling all zen and cultured like that.

I missed Manulife's Fitness First. I haven't been there in yonks and surprisingly the Bodypump regulars and trainers were all surprised to see me, throwing questions of where Ive been and what Ive been up to , is my underwear still size 20, in my direction. Kento, the instructor totally killed off 50% of my muscles with that class. OH PLEASE GOD LEMME BE ABLE TO WALK TOMORROW.



counting the days to the 3 week holiday where I will rot.
And turn into a bunch of enzymes.


I need a roadtrip. IQA? HANNAH? KAMON!

its funny how my parents ( especially my ma ) puts the fear of God in me when it comes to my future ( well about a year's time ) degree education. The whole, No Scholarship, No Going Abroad. I worry, for the life of me, I do. I cry, and worry and worry.

Then I'll call my ma, confide in her, trying my best to push back the flow of ocular moistness and she'll solve everything. Make everything have more sense, more clarity. It'll lift off that heavy grey cloud hovering over me.

"if you say you cant, you wont. Simple as that", she reminds.


I can. I can. I can and I will.

But then reality hits, like difficult exams papers, the possibility of lecturers giving you a bad forecast result. The cloud resumes its position.

"if its not meant for you, then its not", she adds


I cant accept that. this HAS to be meant for me. that I am born for this. that this is the little box I tick off on my Things I Did In My Life list.


"worrying is like a rocking chair. it gives you something to do, and gets you no where"
"okay mummy"


damn it I need to meditate.

I did bodypump and bodyjam today. Gosh, bodypump was torture, and it normally isnt! Same goes for bodyjam. Sigh, where the hell has my fitness gone to? 1 month of being MIA from the gym and its all gone? This is not funny. no no no no aaaaaa. I cant imagine doing my bodybalance and yoga classes, God knows my flexibility has probably run amok too. shite


I need a mars bar. I MEAN A CELERY STICK. FFFUUUU

Stats Shmats

My stats lecturer is.. loud.

"HA YOU KNOW HOW TO DO ONOT? DIS ONE MUST KNOW YOU KNOW?"
"VERY BASIC WAN, CAN DO AH?"

yes, sir. I can manage.

"YOU SURE AH, 3 DAYS YOU DONT COME YOU KNOW?"

T_____T


but Stats have been easy, so far. Thank Ze Heavens.
I have feeling I'll be eating up my own words though.



ps : my clothing seems to hug to me tighter than usual. Post holiday and I'm still consuming more than I should. Time to get back in the gaaaaaame. Raya celebrations all too soon!


pps : Starbucks hasnt called me yet. /worry

Why does everything sound 10 times louder. Mouses clicking wildly, sounds of gunshots drowning everyone's speech bubbles. My vision is swaying, I respond, eyes blank.

I applied for a job to work at Starbucks.
this is after spending unnecessary money on a new gemstone bracelet and realizing I am going through my own personal recession.Damn that sales woman, she gets me ALL the time. I can never say no to her gorgeous gems, her seducing words blind the price tags and the next thing I know, there's a new bracelet on my wrist and another hole burnt in my wallet.

UCAS season is around the corner, the same goes for applications to studying in the US and wherever else.


I went for the Oxbridge talk today, only to realize how stupid I was for thinking that I actually stood a chance. I am clearly not smart enough despite having the passion for my course of interest. Oxbridge is purely academic based when it comes to its candidate selection and I dont think I have enough As.


Applying for University of Colorado at Boulder , Texas School of Geoscience and Imperial London( my uni's of choice ) means I have to sit my SATs, IELTs and complete a very lengthy application. But it seems pointless, since there's no chance in hell are my parents going to pay. If I dont get a scholarship, Im going to have to study here. In Malaysia. Forever. Getting a scholarship seems impossible. There's the tough exams and thousands of others competing for the same thing. There's this grippling fear at the bottom of my gut which extends all the way to the cavity in my chest, leaving me breathless at the thought of not making the straight As or scholarship.

James Patrick Dunne

my 7 year old cousin, melts my heart. Actually , same can be said for all my itsy bitsy freckled cousins. More aww-inducing pictures shall follow !


ps : thank you Liy for the rockin' layout! *boobie hugs*

dont you wanna come with me?

skeletons isnt an online project, its my secret stash of late night scribbles going 2.0. If you are reading, then well, you're probably 1 of 3 or 4 people who knows the sequence to the lock on this suitcase.


so keep it to yerselves will yeh?

photosynthesis, more momentum and calculations.

aside from the fact that jetlag was slowly getting the best of me, fogging my vision with sleepiness, and out of nowhere making my lecturers sound liked dying cyborgs, I enjoyed today's classes . My brain hurting in gratitude to be kicked back into gear again. Everyone looked the same. Watching their faces I realized I actually missed the odd bunch, even though I wasn't away that long. Giddy with generous hugs from the lit group, I met up with Amin and Zamir. Their wrists still sported the ethnic bracelets I gave them even after all these months and I quickly wiped the silly grin of my face before they noticed. We exchanged hugs and it was obvious we missed each other's company by our warm , gawky embrace. Apparently Amin has a girlfriend now, an " amboi amboi amboi" as we call it and by damn I am jealous. Not that I am crushing, mind you. But you know the whole Guys and Girls being Close Friends shindig. The minute one gets attached to a person outside the common circle of friends, they start getting distanced. Hang out sessions would see them texting their temporary significant other, picking up phone calls and hiding in a corner. When that temporary significant other tags along on outings, we have to mind our Ps and Qs, not making the person feel left out and all those other butt-scratching-inducing protocols. Not that I mind, I'll just strike up normal conversations, like what's her take on the meaning of Life, the pitfall of the economy, her take on stocks and the recession, does Bloody Mary taste like blood? do rabbit feet really bring luck? does my ass look big in this? srsly.


I feel excited for this term. Yes the 3 week break has something to do with it. And why yes, the duration of the term is catchy indeed. Oooh and of course, my aunty's house is the perfect environment to study ( LOOK MA, CINELEISURE RIGHT OUTSIDE MA HOUSE - *zip~ ).

That said, all the application processes to universities in the US and the Uk has started , marking the end of gaga times and dawn of sugared personal statements, forecast results and truckloads of paper work. Oh lawsie T___T

webs in my pockets

I hate wanting to do so much, and not having the money to do it.

vox, tumblr and now..

I just hope my dad doesnt find me this time.