When I saw my brother walk out the car, I burst into tears. Suddenly the camera men zooming on my face didnt matter anymore. I was so shocked, amazed and proud of brother. He looked like a completely different person! I almost didnt know how to react when he was in front of me and for a nanosecond it actually felt awkward.



but yeah. I cried on national tv.


twice.


T____T

I feel like baking something and visiting you eventhough you're out of sterilized bedsheets and pillows. You made me laugh till my sides ached and despite me being the totally opposite of what your ex was, I knew you found solace in our relaxed conversations. But there's this thing called space and time ,and like every other soul I know, we drifted apart.

I missed hot flow yoga gah gah gah! I haven't mastered yoga yet, God knows how I look like splatted cicak during the chaturanga pose. That said, the idea of burning calories twice as much than regular yoga when done in a steam room-heated studio is a PLUS! Only because I am lazy and am one to think that I even lose weight when I perspire, when it really is just sick Malaysian heat.

Dad agreed to extend my sessions with my personal trainer ( can I hear a YAY YAY YAY ). Took much convincing ( and maybe tears oh aku drama sial ), but it'll all be worth it, insyaAllah. Having Crystal and her looming babybump while she tortures me with dumbbells and workout machinery makes me feel a lot more comfortable about the Mount Tahan trek ( aka toughest trek in south east Asia AMG ). Plus having fit athletic teammates like Yew Eng is another incentive as to why my ass needs to be kicked into kim kardashian's shape.

Its still really quiet around, but I'm busy ovulating hence my hormones are in check ; no waking up in the middle of the night crying and sleeping next to the TV with Patches licking my chocolate stained fingers.

My sister is busy being extremely pregnant, practically on the verge of labour and the other boleyn mokhtar sister is happily covered in her niqab in Yemen, teasing the cousins with news that there might be something in her abdomen other than her icky intestines. OH LORD HELP US.

My brother is still on the show, apparently having lost nearly 40kgs now. My sister in law ( and the other female contestants ),much to my pure, naive untainted mind claims that he is HOT now. WUT HE'S GONNA BE SMALLER THAN ME? HOMG.



ps ; my brother in law's brother is so annoying its not funny. Yes boy, I know you are rich, and yes friends of boy you are all so fabulously rich too and outspoken/friendly/confident yada yada. But I've passed my pretentious stage if I ever had one, and I'm really touched if you think its cool hanging out with a hippy creep who sleeps with chocolate stained fingers, but you guys make me nervous. Just because I'm half Irish it doesn't make me cool or fabulously open minded to the point where I'm supposed to just agree with your mindless chitchat. so yeah, go away.

Its funny how I keep myself composed right until its that time of the month where my hormones run amok through my system leaving me emotially weakened in its wake. As if feeling bloated and puffed up wasnt enough, I feel incredibly low and pathetic. I can almost count the amount of words that pass my mouth in those days. I hardly say anything, and do anything except stare aimlessly at the ceiling and cry for no apparent reason. I hate admitting that I'm lonely because its not like loneliness is at fault for finding me and deciding to be part of my shadow, rather I looked for it, and opted to be acquanted with it. It's probably going get worse because loneliness is like a weird drug. There's a high from knowing you're fine being solitary until there comes a point where you know nothing but.

I wish I was dead sometimes. so my parents wont have to worry about what I'm going to do with my life or them having to look after me until I'm married off and shipped somewhere they can never reach, or having to put up with my disgraceful shenanigans. they would no longer have to be embarrassed by being asked the question " what is your daughter doing now?". My brother can get my camera and my sister can have all my bags, bracelets and make up ( I cant say clothes because my clothes arent that nice ). I'd make prints of my favourite photographs and sell them, every single sent to charity. I'd donate any organs needed and even my ( lacklustre, omgaswh) hair.

I'm not being emotional, I just always feel shattered when my dad reminds me of how much of a burden I am to him, and how all of us siblings are somewhat failures. None of us earn 10k a month, we dont have the nice cars , we dont score the earth-shattering grades. If me not being around would make my parents' life easier, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I probably wouldnt have raced so hard to reach that bloody ovum if I knew my existence was nothing but an accident that's become an annoying splinter burried deep in my parents' skin.