Had a healthy breakfast, healthy lunch and a healthy snack late afternoon. I swear to God that Justea drink was begging to be taken from the moment I stepped into the kitchen. I took it out of the fridge, condensation leftovers cooling my skin. I read the Nutrition Facts on the can .. 132 calories. JEEZ in a small fecky tin. I put it back, decide to make tea, and sat in front of the tv.


2 minutes later , it was in my hands,its calorie-laden ,chilled liquid voyaging down my throat ,unconsciously engulfing me in delectable bliss.

I'll regret tomorrow.

My heart sank when I saw my handphone screen blink Tan's name and vibrate dangerously. 7pm and I knew he was expecting me to be at the airport with him, bursting of excitement at the thought of our next adventure. I hesitated, my mum noticed and asked. I told her my little secret and she just frowned. I knew this was avoidable, breaking this news to Tan at the 11th hour. It was disrespectful of me, I was aware of that. Amongst all that agreed to go, I was probably the most enthusiastic about the whole thing. We both shared our fondness and dire need to go back into the forest ,finding solace with the Penans. Telling him I was pulling out would just shock him. The thought of Tan being disappointed in me wrapped me up in this bubble of fear.

I told him anyway, and what I feared the most is exactly what happened. Soon after our conversation ended, my phone died. He mentioned he left his new camera behind because he knew I was coming. I was stricken with guilt.


When I switched on my phone a 2 hours later I received his message to collect his camera from his home in PJ and bring it to the airport. Ludicrous, I thought. Yet I understood where he was coming from. This was all my fault. Nonetheless, by the time I got his message it was too late and he was well on his way to Sarawak already. Second pang of guilt.


He should be back in KL now, with Justin and the rest. After my last minute pull-out I hardly think I even deserve to see any photos taken by the group or thrill myself with their fables of trekking for the week.

I find it alarming how I blow off hundreds in one day on shopping.

loot comprises :

perfume
books
nat geo magazine
stationery
pencil case
cue card
note rings
bracelets
aromatherapy oil

gah.

Sometimes, when I cant sleep and my fingers are curled around the edges of my blanket, I think about purposeless things.

For example how I have no idea where 90% of the people I knew in high-school are. What they're currently doing , if they're actually still alive. I haven't talked to most of them, heck all of them except for maybe 5 people , in 2 years. I haven't seen ANY of them for 2 years. Since that fateful day when we were excited, sad, disappointed, and elated about that flimsy result slip in our hands. None of us said proper goodbyes simply because we'd knew we'd see each other again. Funny enough, once we all kick started our college/uni education, we never did.

I don't have a childhood friend that Im still in contact with, I didn't have a bestfriend that lasted my whole high-school years. I don't have a best friend from high school that's with me now. I do have best friends from college now, yes. Loosely using that term "best friend", I see them as the "best" of the circle of friends that I have rather than that term "best friend" whom I am constantly with, confide with, shop with, cry with.

I get jealous when people say they hang out with their high-school friends, their childhood friends when I always just hang out with books or my thoughts hanging in the air.

Slurping down Tau Fu Fa while im typing this out.


My dad called me this afternoon, in between my classes and mentioned I had 2 more free tickets to Dubai.

"why don't you come over for the weekend?"
"you mean, fly over on Friday, sleep for for a whole day due to jetlag and fly back the next day?"
"come on your next holiday then"
" I JUST ENDED A 3 WEEK BREAK, all I did was rot in the house"
"you should have told me"
" I did! mommy said no point me coming since I wont do anything there either"

cheh.

Anyway, I canceled my Penan trip. Despite my unhealthy cravings for it.

reasons ;-

a) It IS Raya. Missing two Rayas consecutively when my parents are actually back in the country to celebrate it is just, well, selfish.

b) I don't have days off from college for Raya, and I really dont want to miss class. I promised to work 150% this year and no absent days are inclusive of that pact.

c) My ticket wasn't a firm ticket anyway.

d) After contacting various scholarship bodies and finding out about scholarship admissions being at awkward times of the year, I'll have plenty of time ( almost a year off ) before I start my tertiary education. Ample time to travel , or possibly work during that study hiatus


It seems many of my friends, ex-high-school friends and random strangers ( at driving school / sister's sewing classmate's son ) are going overseas. Everyone seems to be going somewhere , or gone. Canada, US, Uk, Russia, New Zealand. Two of my exhighschool classmates have started their degree in Engineering and 2 others in Pharmacy. Many of my classmates are hopping on the Studying Abroad Bandwagon too. It's like a sign, a reminder of why I'm doing my A-levels and ultimately my goal and aspirations. Its annoying though knowing that Im entirely capable yet still not getting holier results.