my head feels hot from a pulsing headache. I hate crying, as it makes it worse.

But, I could really feel the extra kilos ive put on, today's subjects and topics were really tough, my biology lecturer made me look stupid in front of my whole class at my question, I had a 40 min argument with my classmate about money vs happiness and lost ; shaking the core of my belief, mindfucking my head ( brain? ) , and to top it all off, my siblings are with my parents ( & omera ) and I'm home alone ( again ). Ive seen my parents 3 ,4 times since they came back and they're leaving Friday morning. My parents are way over in Shah Alam, catching a cab would not only be expensive but the thought of being in a cab that long with a stranger at traffic hour? no. OH AND I DIDNT SEE MY BROTHER BEFORE HE WENT FOR THE SHOW. NOW I WONT SEE OR HEAR FROM HIM IN 3 FUCKING MONTHS.


It feels like I fell to the ground and I'm being trampled upon. Over and over and over.

Had a healthy breakfast, healthy lunch and a healthy snack late afternoon. I swear to God that Justea drink was begging to be taken from the moment I stepped into the kitchen. I took it out of the fridge, condensation leftovers cooling my skin. I read the Nutrition Facts on the can .. 132 calories. JEEZ in a small fecky tin. I put it back, decide to make tea, and sat in front of the tv.


2 minutes later , it was in my hands,its calorie-laden ,chilled liquid voyaging down my throat ,unconsciously engulfing me in delectable bliss.

I'll regret tomorrow.

My heart sank when I saw my handphone screen blink Tan's name and vibrate dangerously. 7pm and I knew he was expecting me to be at the airport with him, bursting of excitement at the thought of our next adventure. I hesitated, my mum noticed and asked. I told her my little secret and she just frowned. I knew this was avoidable, breaking this news to Tan at the 11th hour. It was disrespectful of me, I was aware of that. Amongst all that agreed to go, I was probably the most enthusiastic about the whole thing. We both shared our fondness and dire need to go back into the forest ,finding solace with the Penans. Telling him I was pulling out would just shock him. The thought of Tan being disappointed in me wrapped me up in this bubble of fear.

I told him anyway, and what I feared the most is exactly what happened. Soon after our conversation ended, my phone died. He mentioned he left his new camera behind because he knew I was coming. I was stricken with guilt.


When I switched on my phone a 2 hours later I received his message to collect his camera from his home in PJ and bring it to the airport. Ludicrous, I thought. Yet I understood where he was coming from. This was all my fault. Nonetheless, by the time I got his message it was too late and he was well on his way to Sarawak already. Second pang of guilt.


He should be back in KL now, with Justin and the rest. After my last minute pull-out I hardly think I even deserve to see any photos taken by the group or thrill myself with their fables of trekking for the week.

I find it alarming how I blow off hundreds in one day on shopping.

loot comprises :

perfume
books
nat geo magazine
stationery
pencil case
cue card
note rings
bracelets
aromatherapy oil

gah.

Sometimes, when I cant sleep and my fingers are curled around the edges of my blanket, I think about purposeless things.

For example how I have no idea where 90% of the people I knew in high-school are. What they're currently doing , if they're actually still alive. I haven't talked to most of them, heck all of them except for maybe 5 people , in 2 years. I haven't seen ANY of them for 2 years. Since that fateful day when we were excited, sad, disappointed, and elated about that flimsy result slip in our hands. None of us said proper goodbyes simply because we'd knew we'd see each other again. Funny enough, once we all kick started our college/uni education, we never did.

I don't have a childhood friend that Im still in contact with, I didn't have a bestfriend that lasted my whole high-school years. I don't have a best friend from high school that's with me now. I do have best friends from college now, yes. Loosely using that term "best friend", I see them as the "best" of the circle of friends that I have rather than that term "best friend" whom I am constantly with, confide with, shop with, cry with.

I get jealous when people say they hang out with their high-school friends, their childhood friends when I always just hang out with books or my thoughts hanging in the air.